As I dive deeper into my personal philosophy on how we relate to others in ways that keep us feeling victimised and powerless and how to live more freely, I can’t help but wonder if all this is just a way for my sneaky ‘parts’ to step back into the painful trap of fearful-avoidance. Or if I am just gaslighting myself and harbouring silent resentment. The more I break free from the social tyranny of how I should be or relate to others, the crazier I feel. I ride the waves of ‘OK, I’m really doing this’ and ‘Holy shit! WTF am I doing?’ as best I can. There are then days of depression I must also navigate. A depression from the truth of what I am discovering.
The Currency of Conformity
Being different isn’t celebrated much in the world we live in. Conformity. Typicality. Sameness. Order. Normality. Comfort. Control. These are the things that help us feel accepted. These are the things we are taught to embody in order to thrive in life. To belong. Be this way. Don’t be that way. Love like this. Don’t accept that. And we then teach this to our children and the cycle repeats.
We have become a culture who looks outwardly for a ‘how-to’ in order to live. I see it all the time on Reddit, with people I talk to and myself until recently: “I am like this, is it ok for me to be like/do this and what should I expect others to do/be?” or “My partner is doing this, is it ok for me to feel this?”. We have become a society that promotes dependency instead of agency. We have become lost. Mostly to ourselves.
When we see successful people rise up, bossing life like they’ve just yawned their empire, we sit and wonder what the secret is and reach for the nearest book for answers that teach us how to be different yet again. But there is no magic formula. They were just strong enough to stand in their own shoes and resist the current trying to pull them back into the river of societal normalcy.
We have a million books, thousands of gurus and courses ‘teaching’ us how to live. How to be. Not that they’re wrong. But I believe they miss a vital piece of the puzzle. Or more correctly put, they remain forcing pieces of a broken puzzle into what could otherwise be a masterpiece.
Borrowed Fears, Borrowed Lives
I used to be anxiety-ridden from a loss of knowing what to do, how best to behave when it came to relating to others and myself, when it came to showing up in the world. I completely lost who I was and became somebody society told me I should be. And you know what? I’m done.
I’ve spent the past decade of my life decoding my mental and emotional well-being, and the last couple of years digging deeper into the field of attachment styles (for more information on attachment styles click here). I now continuously question my motives, intentions and emotions to ensure I’m not heading back into the river of what we call modern-life. I’ve read countless books, taken countless courses and have had more types of therapy than I care to admit, all in search of that ‘how-to’ do life. ‘How to’ relate. ‘How to’ love. ‘How to’ be.
It got me close enough to where I resembled the human being society wanted me to be. The good little ‘boy’. The good little ‘boy’ who swims with the current alongside all the other good little ‘boys’ and ‘girls’. Searching for my ‘person’ whom I trusted where I could feel safe and loved. Yet something was still missing. I was still unsatisfied and dull. The one amazing thing all the courses, books and therapy did give me is the room to allow my thoughts to grow in a way that is organic to me. But I still had to be the gardener.
My Return Starts Now
It takes courage, faith, awareness, strength and a multitude of other virtues to be able to swim against the current. And it shouldn’t. But here we are and swim we must.
What is the alternative? A lacklustre, mediocre life of control, living more as our socially acceptable avatar than the true expression of who we are.
A society which continues to mold cookie-cutter robotic Human-Do’ers weighted under the suffering of our own fears. The same Human-Do’ers who displace their fears onto others; we are living with the borrowed fears of others and we aren’t even aware of it.
I for one have had enough. I cannot continue living out my life as a version of me that feels like an in-law; nice enough but not ‘real’ family. I am not prepared to continue to be weighed down by fears not belonging to me. Are you?
